Adoption Struggles in the Teen Years
Posted: Monday, December 14, 2009
by Mark Gregston
Heartlight Ministries
When an adopted child enters the adolescent years and their thinking transfers from concrete to abstract, they might begin asking that unanswerable question, “Why did my mother give me up?" At a time that most kids are trying to “find themselves" and form a concept and understanding of who they are and who they are not, the adoption card in their deck of options is one that is a mystery and a source of confusion for most (confusion is not a problem, but how they display that confusion might present a problem).
What I have found through the years is that it is very easy to explain away the answer to the question with comments of “Your mother did what was right," or, “She loved you enough to give you up," or “Your mother wasn’t in a good place, and felt like you should be," or, “Your mother wasn’t able to provide what she wanted you to have," or, “Your mother was a mess, and didn’t want you to be."
Whatever the answer, and I don’t think any of the above are wrong, a parent must understand that there is a bigger question that looms with a child. I have heard many kids say to any or all of the above answers, “Yeah I know and understand…but she still gave me away, and left." It is a lingering question of loss that I wonder, if it is ever answered for some. It is my experience that most adopted kids take about 10 to 15 years of abstract thinking to begin to process what this adoption thing is all about. This means that most don’t resolve the issue for themselves until they get into their mid-twenties.
If this is true, then parents, during those teen years, must be content to allow loss to be a part of their child’s life. In God’s timing, issues will be dealt with. Not all of them have to be resolved in a child’s teen years, no matter how much we want them to have all the answers. Additionally, at times, more trouble can be caused by the tendency to answer every question a child poses, than to simply give an answer of, “You know, I don’t know." Oddly, helping your child learn through your example that you don’t know all the answers to life will give them license to be able to live with some unknowns in theirs.
If you are an adoptive parent, your role is to continue to parent them with the same kind of love you’ve always held. Don’t respond negatively because your feelings are hurt. Don’t say you’re giving up as their parent. And don’t try to “fix" the problem with giving the teenager more “things." All of this only adds to an adopted teen’s mixed up sense of self and can lead to even more instability.
These kids need both time and stability to work through their issues. It is often a stage that they can work through and come out on the other side even more appreciative of their adoptive parents. In the meantime, they need their parents to remain steady and calm while they turn their world upside down in a quest to understand their history. And they may need professional help sorting it all out when the truth is finally made known.
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