About Teens and Cutting
Posted: Monday, May 14, 2007
by Mark Gregston
Heartlight Ministries
The Phenomenon of Teens Cutting Themselves
What's this All About?
Kids and Cutting
Fifteen years ago, a young lady who was living with us came to the dining room table with her face all cut up, bleeding, looking shameful and embarrassed, and catching me completely off guard as I wondered "what in world is this?". It became evident she had done it to herself and obvious that I was clueless to everything about it. I had even watched her purchase some disposable razors at the store earlier that afternoon. I didn't know whether to address it, give her sympathy, let her "have it", or ignore it. How anyone would choose to cut on themselves was beyond me. I always thought that teens were more into self-preservation, staying away from pain, and living life pain free…where did that all go?
Yet, through the years, I've been able to watch kids in our residential program, who have "cut" and come to conclusions about this different type of behavior. Now, a couple of hundred "cutters" later, I've learned a few things.
I used to think that cutting was always a symptom of a greater problem like mental illness, sexual abuse, or other crazy behaviors that sometimes fall into that category of "different" and only understood with an explanation of psychiatric jargon. Now don't get me wrong, some cutting behaviors can be symptomatic of psychiatric or mental illness, i.e. borderline personality disorders, bi-polar or manic depressiveness, and anxiety disorders. But it doesn't mean they all are. Finding a kid who cuts though, no more makes them "mental" any more than walking into a garage makes me a car. At the same time, there are cars in garages (know what I mean?). We all used to think that this type of behavior only happened to the whackos, wierdos, or those strange, "other" people. I now know that's not the case, and now, quite the opposite. It's now, more times than not, the little girl that lives down the hallway from my bedroom. And, more times than not, it's not that she's whacked, a weirdo, or one of those "other" people. She's just like my child.
I began to realize that not just "crazy people do crazy things". I see kids from all walks of life, from all backgrounds, from every type of family you can think of -cutting. Some didn't want others to know, others, wanted everyone to know. Some times the cutting indicated a greater pain somewhere else, other times not. Some were shameful, others were shameless. Some are complex issues, some pretty simple.
Statistics say that 1% of the population self-injures themselves. I don't know whether this is true or not. But I do know that what was once confined to hospitals and treatment facilities has now become a new way of coping and has spread to the general population, come to the attention of parents and youth workers, and entered the mainstream of discussion among our teens. Girls talk about cutting at slumber parties, you can find out about on the internet, your kids might know of someone who cuts, and we now hear about cutting in movies, T.V. shows, and in music. It's here, and it doesn't look like it will disappear any time soon any more than any other inappropriate behavior. I've found that this type of behavior has invaded the lives of the most normal families, and has disrupted our image of what we think about "normal".
I share my insight gained from trying to help them overcome their behavior and get to the root of the issues, in hopes of helping a child become healthier, happier, and not caught up in a lifelong fearful behavior that, in the end, will not help them get where they want to be.
Cutting would be included in the category of self-harm. Many of the same reasons apply to the various types of self harm, so you can apply the comments in this booklet to other self-harm behaviors. Those other type of self-harm behaviors may be (and I stress, "may be") burning oneself with a curling iron, branding, piercing of sorts, tattoos, daring and dangerous behavior, encouraged sickliness. We even had one girl put her hand in a bed of fire ants where she received hundreds of bites.
Cutting is a cry for help. Some cries are louder than others and people cry for different reasons. To think that a cutter cuts for the same reason and for the same motivation is about as appropriate as thinking that all people drink for the same reason. I see issues of self harm, particularly cutting, with girls of normal intelligence, usually with a negative perception of themselves, and having a difficulty expressing emotion.
Whenever I express thoughts of filling emptiness and voids in our life, I'm not talking just about "cutters". We all do. I think that as life "happens" around us, and losses clutter our live, that we have the habit of filling those losses with other objects, habits, possessions, viewpoints, and lives to fill voids. And as we move from one "filler" to another, we begin to realize that there is only one thing that will really fill those voids. I believe it is Christ Himself…the One who came to fill us…the One who came to insure that the losses in our life would not control our life….the One who loves us when we're a mess…..the One who sees through the behavior to the heart of the matter….and the One who desires to free us from the silly thinking that we can do it on our own.
Quite honestly, cutters are no different than any of the rest of us. They've just picked up something that isn't so pretty. When Jesus said, "come to me all who are weary and heavy laden", I wonder what we thought that was going to look like. I believe it looks like a number of things…one of those is the cutter.
When I started working with kids 30 years ago, I never even imagined that this happened or that I would ever be dealing with kids on this level. But, I have learned one thing which is a pretty simple lesson….that He came for ALL, and for everything. So if that's the case, then I'm sure that He came for the cutter. And if He did indeed, there's hope for the cutter. So, parents, know that you'll get on the other side of this thing called cutting. But the way that you handle it and respond to this phenomenon will determine the type of relationship you have with your child and the amount of time that your child is stuck in this darkness. You have a key role and one must understand the role that they must play, and the role that He will play. God desires your child's losses to be filled with Him. Your role is to be there, to get to the heart of the matter, to be tough when you have to, and to love your child through it no matter what. Don't just talk the Gospel….live it out for the one in your family who is struggling.
When I was growing up, I thought I lived on the edge. Still think that I do. Water ski, train horses, play paintball till I'm black and blue, jump off rappelling towers, surf a little, snow ski a little, snorkel a little, shoot pistols and shotguns, down trees, and have been beat up a number of times barefoot skiing. What keeps me from going over the edge is pain. I don't like it….don't like it more since I turned 50….and try to avoid it any way I can.
Some young people today live in a world that goes "over the edge". The "edge" of pain doesn't stop them in their pursuit of eliminating boredom and creating excitement. Piercing, branding, cutting, tattoos, cosmetic surgery, reality shows (where fear isn't a factor), and "mule" movies are now a part of the culture. Some say they're daring….I say they're numb and dissatisfied…and pain is a way for some to remind themselves that they're still alive, a comment I hear from a number of cutters.
The purpose of this booklet is not to teach people about cutting but to help them with a cutter, especially when they have a child who is engaging in this bizarre behavior. I hope to give parents insight into this new coping mechanism, to help them determine why their child might be cutting, to make them aware the motivation and goals of the cutter, and to give some possible remedies to each.
What is Cutting
Simply, it's a cut, but it's self-inflicted. There are many reasons why. We'll touch on that in the next chapter. But it is motivated by something. It is that "something" that we have to get to, and not focus on the behavior. The actual behavior is just the symptom of something else going on in your child's life. The fact that they "chose" cutting as the behavior to get somewhere else is because it is "available", "acceptable" (in their world), and its "achievable".
It is an accessible behavior motivated by a thought or feeling that will bring about something different. All behavior is goal oriented. We all "do" something for a reason. Your child, as a way of coping with whatever is causing stress, a feeling of being overwhelmed, guilt, shame, and other negative feelings, desires to feel different (don't we all?) So in the absence of a positive coping skill, she chooses something that's been talked about at school. Something that she's heard of others doing. In some arenas, an action that's been glorified to some extent. So she finds a sharp object (that which is available) and cuts herself. And I'm sure that for a small amount of time, she is distracted from whatever causes the negative feelings she's had, and she gets some relief.
Now you and I probably do the same "dance", we just dance to some different music. I love to water ski. And I think I do because for just a small amount of time as I'm being dragged behind a boat going 34 miles per hour, I don't think about all I have to do at work, all the problems I deal with, all my issues, and all my "stuff". It's my "accessible behavior motivated by a thought or feeling that will bring about something different".
You do the same. You go run for an hour. You work out. You read. You go mow the yard. You get busy at work. You take up a hobby. You do whatever you do, in hopes of getting something different, feeling something different, or hoping for something different.
Similarly, your child is no different. In the absence of all the healthy (and sometimes unhealthy) things we know to do, they choose the unhealthy, and one of those happens to be "cutting".
My point is this. The behavior of "cutting" is foreign, odd, distant, and very unfamiliar. And when your child participates in this behavior, the tendency is to look at the oddity of the action, rather than the motivation for the deed. And if you "miss" the motivation, then you'll never get to root of the issue. Mom and Dad, it's not the behavior that is the issue. The question to ask is "What is motivating your child to go to such lengths that she would damage herself?" Don't let your child's action offend you and move you to anger, but rather be a sign of something a lot deeper than just a "surface" issue.
I would say this at this point as well. It's the same the first time you find out your child gets drunk, has sex, gets high, starts yelling and screaming, becomes depressed (hopefully not all at once). Can I go on and on? Don't miss the "cry" of heart that is longing to be normal, that is longing to be heard, and is longing to have someone come along side them to walk with them in the midst of the struggle.
Cutting is a serious issue. For a child to go to such lengths to find relief is scary. So, don't ignore it. I've observed that most that "cut" or "scratch" have expended or tried other ways of negative coping with particular issues and are willing to do just about anything short of suicide to get through whatever they're dealing with.
In Christian circles, where drugs, sex, and drinking are not allowed, some kids will find other ways to cope with their issues. Now, don't hear me as saying these behaviors should be allowed. I believe people do different things for different reasons and when a teen's life is spinning out of control (or anyone's life for that matter), very few kids will not do anything to cope. We all find a manageable way to deal with our issues. And most, will experiment with many different ways and means until they find a coping skill that fits into their lifestyle.
Christian kids struggle just as much as other kids. The values their parents have built into their lives are held dear, whether the child "lives those out" or not. When that Christian kid knows that he shouldn't "drink, smoke, or chew, or go with girls that do", they begin to look for other ways to cope with their struggles. If they don't have those positive coping skills, they'll find something. Because cutting can be hidden, is not an act against someone else, really is not addressed growing up, and is foreign and has no immediately evident long term affects (other than scarring), it become an easy act to adopt and adapt to.
I recently watched the Today Show and heard their take on the reasons for cutting behavior. While I agree with their assessment that "self injurers commonly report that they feel empty inside…..unable to express feelings, lonely, and not understood by others", I would add that because of this potential list of reasons, one must treat those issues and not just the coping behaviors. The source has got to be treated. The main issue, which is not the cutting, must remain the main issue. And parents have got to quit thinking that the band-aid of "just stop doing that" is going to "fix" anything.
At various times, the shame that one feels from cutting is so great that the behavior will be hidden. Not to go off on a rabbit trail, but the question has to be raised; "Why a teen feels the need to hide behaviors from parents?". My thought. Because most kids feel that if they were really exposed, that they won't be loved…they'll be ridiculed…..they'll be embarrassed….or that parents will merely reaffirm the negative feelings that a child has carried for years. In this case, lying, hiding, and deception are tools of survival and protection, not of rebellion. Hopefully, any parent would handle protection issues far different from the way that they would handle rebellion issues. It's best to know the difference between the two.
Reasons for Cutting
At seminars I conduct around the country, parents or youth workers who have "cutters" always come up and ask what they are supposed to "do" when their child or someone they know is cutting. My first question back to them is "Do you know why they're cutting?" Most, more than not, say they haven't a clue, and they don't know how to stop the negative behavior. Both have to happen concurrently. If the person in question is a child, one who is under 18, then action has to happen. Older than that, short of having one committed to a mental institute, they have to be willing to get help….even to get into a hospitalized program. So, what do you do? You do something now.
A parent must tackle two issues at once. Letting them know that the behavior is going to stop now (short term) and we're going to get help to get out of this pattern by establishing why they're cutting, and figure out what's causing this behavior (long term). Both/and, not either/or.
Of course, what has to be in place to tackle these two issues is a relationship of trust with your child. Chances are trust is low. If this is true, then you have a third issue to deal with….the development of a relationship. Time has got to be spent together without focusing on the problems or even the discussion of them. There has got to be time to laugh, to cry, to hurt, to do something together, so that a child may feel that there is life beyond their cutting, and a longing by someone to get to know them, and love them, even if they still cut.
I ride horses every Wednesday afternoon with kids from all types of backgrounds. It is my time as an Executive Director of a residential program for struggling teens (Heartlight) to get to know them, develop a relationship, and begin to foster an atmosphere. During that time, I see new cuts, bad attitudes, disobedience, pathetic relational styles…..and I have to fight to not always correct everything that I see. Now, I know that it will be or is being dealt with, so it gives me the liberty to just love on them. Inevitably, a time will come with a young lady to ask about the scars that I see, an opportunity to discuss how she's doing, and somewhere, the chance to express my concern for her and how I'm going to help her in the process. Not because she is in trouble, but because it wouldn't be loving her to do nothing.
You have to do something. And it's mutli-faceted. Determine the reason for the cutting. Stop the behavior. And move toward them in a relationship in hopes of building trust. Here are some reasons that I've found that kids cut. Each has a different response.
1. Experimental & Intrigue
This is the one reason for cutting that usually passes. It is at this level where a child wonders what all the "fuss is about" in regard to this new thing they've heard about. But it also the entry level for most, so it shouldn't be ignored. These kid's cutting may be for no reason at all. They just want to know what it feels like and, more times than not, just scratch or touch themselves with a hot utensil, learning quickly that what all the fuss is about, is not about them. They walk away and never revisit the "cutting thing" again.
However, depending on the reactions that she may get from people around her, a young lady may continue to do the deed. Can someone be so desperate for attention that they would cut themselves to get a response from people? Absolutely. So be careful how you respond when confronting the behavior of one who is intrigued with cutting or just experimenting with it. A greater response or intense reaction can thrust a child into a new arena of attention where the value of the cutting is elevated because of the increased interest from others.
We're created relationally. God intended for us to have relationships with others. It's a simple thought. If He has, then most of us become frustrated when we don't know how to develop relationships with people….some might be so frustrated to the point that they pull stupid stunts, exhibit crazy behavior, or do something that causes the "one raised eyebrow" from others.
Bizarre as it may sound, at times, this craziness, is a negative attempt to get some positive interaction. So think about the heart of the issue here, which is this. There are those that are so depraved of relationships that they would stoop to cutting themselves with a broken piece of glass….or burn their arms for attention….or scratch their face…..or slit their legs……pretty desperate situation isn't it? The behavior shows the deep level of depravity. A parent's movement should not be out of disgust with this behavior, but rather because of the great need and desperation of the child.
Liz was a young lady from Denver who tried everything to get attention. A rather large girl, who never had a clique to fit into, she would bounce from one emotion to another trying to get attention, one action after another to get a response. She was verbally gifted and socially dwarfed…a wounding combination that had her running at the mouth at the most inappropriate times, making her one of the most obnoxious young ladies I've ever met. Desperate and all out of attention seeking options, after hearing of cutting, she was quick to use paper clips, sewing needles, and broken light bulb pieces to scratch her arms. Her new "stripes" brought her success in her "experiment". She temporarily made it into the "club of cutters" and had an immediate group of friends. It lasted until they all found out it was just an experiment.
Because this was a negative way to gain attention, a way that was inappropriate and harmful, I felt that she needed to have consequences for her actions. Remember, Liz lived with us in a residential program where we discipline kids to keep them from going to a place they don't want to be. Her consequences were work projects, AND the elimination of program social activities, in hopes of helping her internalize the concept that her actions were an inappropriate way to develop relationships and not the way to socialize and develop deeper long lasting friendships.
Coupled with the discipline, though, were new initiatives to include her in other things that would help her learn to develop those deeper relationships. The message we wanted to give was that we wanted her to develop relationships, but we didn't want her to do it the way the way she was, because it wasn't going to work for her. You see, the tendency with a young lady like Liz, who was a pretty easy target to not like, "could not be where she was not at". If Liz didn't know how to develop deep relationships with people (a longing we all have), then we couldn't expect her to do it on her on, and isolation from people would not help her in her deep longing to be liked, loved, and have relationships.
Now it would have been easier to punish her for her stupidity and poor choices, eliminate her from our circle as she was an easy girl to eliminate as she was not a joy to be around, and to keep her out of "our circle" because she was struggling with something that any other girls her age shouldn't be struggling with. If you re-read that statement, you'll see, as I do, how harsh it really is….how judgmental….how condescending….not exactly how Christ would approach the issue.
Her problem wasn't cutting. It was an inability to develop relationships. Her frustration was that she had never tasted what God made her to taste, and she knew it. Her intrigue moved her to experiment.
2. Show Off
The one who cuts to show off goes a little further than the one who is captivated by experiment and intrigue. This is one who has the tendency to be a drama queen, perhaps thrive on conflict, and displays self-centeredness in sometimes the oddest of ways. They thrive in negative attention for it is better than no attention. Feeling a lack of positives to display to gain attention, they hope to attract through showing off negatives. The more attention they can get from their actions the better. They happen to pick up cutting because it just happens to be the thing that gains attention.
A few years ago, I always said that this type of teen girl shows off her cutting, a guy shows off his tattoos. Cutting is not the focus of the problem; it is a means to an end. A way to get attention. A way to feel pride. A way to show an ability to withstand pain as if the display of pain was something immature or spineless.
These type of cutters need consequences for their behavior just as much as any other negative and inappropriate behavior strives to get attention. Their cutting becomes a badge. Their scars become their symbol.
I've sat with girls as they've shown off their scars and bragged about stitches, how they've done it, and how much they liked it. To say the least, most have been interesting discussions where I usually try to affirm each girl, what I enjoy about them, and how I feel like they're doing something that's going to damage them in the future.
Oddly, the young lady who lived with us and gave me my first experience with dealing with one who cuts and burns, has gone through several skin graph operations to repair the damage. At the same time that she was going through her operations, a young man from Kansas City was having his "skeleton on the cross" and a "court jester juggling skulls" tattoos "laser removed" from his back and arms. Both did it for show and both regret where they went, to end up where they are.
3. Shock
Some cut for the shock factor. They look at you and let you know that you don't have control over them while they express a strong desire for independence and their own control. People wonder why some kids cut, and my response is always, "It's got your attention doesn't it?"
I've seen two different types of those who cut for shock.
The first, to most surprise, are the little cute got-it-all-together beautiful girls that shock to get attention….an attention that cries loudly, hoping that someone will pay attention to their hurt and pain. These are the ones that know that they appear to have it all together, but know inside that they don't.
To these girls, I say this. "You have my attention….I'm listening." There's no need for discipline in this case (unless the cutting continues). They've reached their goal. And its now time for me to reach for them.
Alicia was 13 when she came to Heartlight. She doesn't know where her father is. Her mother was 14 when she had Alicia, and married 8 years later to Alicia's step-father. He died when Alicia was 12. I can't imagine all the losses this little girl has experienced. It's not just that she can't express her feelings, it's that she doesn't even know what those feelings are to express and I'm sure she'll "feel" more and more of her losses as she ages.
Alicia's behavior required that we do two things for her. The first was to let her know that she couldn't cut any more to get our attention. She had it. Without her knowing it, we strategized how to build a relationship with her, utilizing horses and chores at the barn; a place where she always felt needed, safe, and significant. Second, was to talk through, immediately, her cutting. It had to stop. We couldn't allow it any more. We had to keep her safe. And because she could respond to our wishes and knew of our intent, she followed our desires for her. Now, she fell a few times along the way. She got grounded, had some consequences and couldn't participate in some activities that she wanted to, got upset, and got to try some new ways of communicating needs. We were there to listen. Sometimes our "withness" is greater than our "witness".
We know that no one can just give up old habit (they die hard don't they?) So, we give them time to give it up…they still pay the consequences, but we're a little more forgiving when they struggle. In Alicia's attempt to get attention through cutting, she developed a habit. While her goal was met immediately when people responded to her, the habit didn't respond as quick. Usually, there's a lag time and during that time, a parent, youth worker, friend, or sibling has got to be patient with God's timing.
The second type of "shocker" are those that attend the weekly Great Pierce Off at the local mall. The competition is between wandering contestants who vie for the most outrageous in categories of " who can have the most holes ", or " who can die their hair the wildest color , or " who can hang the most metal from their lip ". Most of these kids are looking for a place to belong, or looking for a place to land. The cry isn't for help, it's for a "connection". Once they get that, the behavior usually passes.
4. Rebellion
These cutters differ from the shockers. While shockers usually do it as a cry for something, these are doing something to make you cry. They are bent on causing misery for someone else, and are willing to endure the pain to see the person suffer. It is not self-harm in their eyes…it's done to harm you, to embarrass you. Their anger is so intense that they would sacrifice themselves to make you miserable. Their actions are dominated by a "screw you" mentality that is deep rooted in anger. It may be a type of thought process that includes the following:
- Mom and Dad, look how you guys have messed up my life…now you'll pay.
- Why did you allow this to happen to me?
- I'll show everyone….look what they've done to me?
- You think I have it all together? I'll show you!
It's evident that someone else is going to have to help this child with impartation of wisdom or helping them climb out of the hole they've dug. And it's probably essential that this child get away from the "thorn" (whether right or wrong) that is causing the intensity of the conflict. Once the thorn is removed, then the behavior usually stops. It is when the behavior stops that some sensible discussion and counseling can get to the root of the bitterness and struggle.
5. Self Punishment
This is the type of cutter that becomes a little more serious, a whole lot deeper in the issues, and necessitates a recovery process that demands counseling and help with thinking patterns behind the actions of cutting. It's a longer process, and this type of cutter, along with those listed below (distraction, coping, guilt & shame, and mental issues) may require hospitalization, other professional help, or intense supervision as one must be kept safe (free from cutting) during the process of counseling and therapy.
My heart goes out to this young girl who feels so bad about herself that she punishes herself, inflicting pain, and beating herself up for something she has or should have done. They are ones that don't have to be reminded that they messed up, or don't have to think too long about when the last time they "slipped" and "fell". They understand the concept of consequences for their wrong behavior, so they decide to punish themselves.
The thinking goes this way. I've done something wrong. I want to be vindicated. I want to get my punishment over with so I'll do it myself. I cut. I feel the pain. I pay the consequence. Now, everything is okay. It's called self-vindication.
Leigh would treat someone harshly. At other times she would violate rules or policies. Some times she'd do something inappropriate. All the she was time lying. She would tell tell stories and exaggerations without a conscience about it. When I'd sit down in counseling with her, in her mind, she had already reconciled everything and came to me acting as if she had not ever done anything wrong. She acted like she just didn't care about anyone else's feeling. She believed…I mean truly believed….that she had already paid the consequences of her inappropriate behavior and had no need to talk about the past (anything before the last minute), as she believed that when there is repentance, confession, and punishment for actions, then God separates the sin as far as east is from west, and all is fine. She had done all she needed to, paid the price, and would then ask me "What's all the fuss about?". I'd meet with her and then be worn out for the rest of the day.
Cutting, in her mind, was a good thing. It vindicated. It allowed her to be restored. And it made her good again. Needless to say, cutting wasn't her only issue that we were dealing with as issues never stand alone. I love Leigh….she just wears me out. This type of thinking usually takes a long time in the same direction to overcome. My observation of this problem is that people like Leigh will usually "age out" before they're finished with therapy and unless they're willing to continue to get help past their 18 th birthday, they will have to come to the end of themselves before change will happen.
Molly is a young lady who used cutting to punish herself, but didn't do it to restore….she did it just to pay the consequence of something she shouldn't have done. She "fell" on one of the nights that we let her go out, and came home and used a pencil erasure to carve the word "whore" into her arm. She hated herself for standing up for what she believed and felt that her stance divided the family. She would carve words like "I hate you" (directed to herself) and "I'm sorry" for the pain that she's caused in others life. The pain was and is so intense for Molly that she punishes herself. Molly is different from Leigh. Molly is punishing herself, but realizes the damage done to others and moves toward people in an effort to restore relationships.
The only thing that I've seen get people out of the mindset that Molly carries is the intensity of relationships coupled with a living definition of forgiveness which is giving up hope that you'll ever have a better past.
6. Distraction
One of my pasttimes is training and riding horses. The activity blends well with the work that we do with kids as the kids think I'm working, but I'm really playing. If anyone is around horses long enough, you'll quickly learn that you'll have to "doctor" them at times which can be a dangerous thing short of not using something that will calm the horse in midst of calamity.
Our vet, who is a dear friend of mine, taught me years ago how to "twitch" a horse. This is a technique where you grab the end of the horses upper lip, grip it hard, and put a "twitch" on it to hold. The horse focuses all his attention on the twitch on the end of his nose that he forgets about the pain elsewhere. That's what a cutter who distracts does. They temporarily inflict physical pain to take away other emotional pain.
It's hard to imagine pain so great that creating more pain would take the focus off the original pain. This is a common answer that I hear, to the question of why people cut.
7. Coping Skill
Several times I have been so mad in my life that I've just wanted to punch the wall or put my fist through the wall, or hit something. The anger builds up, the intensity increases and bam, it happens. I remember one time when I got angry at some of the animals for breaking through the fence around our property. As I watched them run through the fence, I became so angry because I didn't have the time to chase horses through the country side, I had to be somewhere now, and I just got finished fixing that fence the day before. I had an office trash can in my hand and threw it against our driveway as hard as I could, breaking it into a million pieces. I ruined the trash can. But something inside of me felt good….it was the release of all that anger that immediately built up.
It's the same thing when some people cut. It's that release of intensity. Some call it anger management with the excuse that "it's better to hurt myself than someone else".
Holly used to tell me that the only time that she felt life was when she cut. It was her way of bringing normalness into her life. It made her feel. It made her sensitive. She compared her life to the feeling she had in her cheek after getting a shot of Novocain from the dentist. And in her words, to feel with pain, was better than not feeling at all. It was her way of coping with her numbness.
8. Mental Issues
As I stated in the first part of this booklet, there are times that cutting is a sign of mental issues. Mental problems are rooted in incorrect thinking patterns that are sometimes displayed in bizarre behaviors. Cutting can be one of those "bizarre behaviors".
Carrie is a young lady who lived with us a number of years ago. She wrestled with depression and fought, truly fought, to engage and be "normal" as best she could. I'll never forget the night that I went up to her room and saw her sitting in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor. She had taken a Bic disposable razor and slashed herself over two hundred times. I held her and cried as I told her that she was going to be okay, and realized at that moment that this was not "her"…it was something else. Not that she was possessed. It was that something just wasn't "firing" right. And she was not in control.
I share her story to highlight the fact that there are some issues that are a lot deeper than I'll ever know what to do. I am a believer in medication if it helps a person think better. I believe in psychiatrists that work hard in trying to help people think better, and function normally. I believe that people are born with things that they don't care to have, and I believe that that they struggle not because they want to be "bad", but because the desperately want to be good.
I remember the Scripture that says " the things I want to do, I have the hardest time doing, and the things I don't want to do, I find myself doing ".
There's not one of these cutters listed above that isn't loved deeply by God, and deserves any less from His people because of their struggle. Even as I write about each of these descriptions of these dear people who struggle, I'm reminded that we all struggle, and all are in need of a Savior to help us live this thing called life to the fullest.
Dealing with Cutters
As stated earlier, no issue stands alone. Chances are that the reason that most kids cut is that there are a number of things going on, not just the obvious. I would offer some thoughts in the process of one finding help for the cutter. I've found these helpful in my work with these kids. It's very difficult to detail everything that must happen to get help for a child as the reasons for cutting, the motivation for other behavior, and combinations of issues is too exhaustive. So, I offer these thoughts as general considerations while dealing with a teen struggling with this behavior.
The key to resolution of any issue is to get to the heart of the issue. And the best way to get to the heart of the issue is through a relationship….one that says to them, "I'll walk with you through anything, and I'll stand in front of you if you're moving to a place that you don't want to be". That's the easy part. The hard part is taking apart the puzzle and seeing the logic, progression, thinking, and habits have moved this cutter to where he/she is.
I would urge you to use anything necessary to find out issues beneath the surface of cutting. Usually a combination of medication, counseling, therapy, group meetings, and good ol' parent support, help get a child through this difficult period.
Because there are not set rules for finding the solutions to the issues surrounding cutting, and because there are so many various reasons for cutting, I would encourage you to consider these thoughts when dealing with a child you find to be a cutter.
An example of that progression of force might be this way of "stepping up" your authority. It would start with a statement of asking ("Son, I'd like to know what's going on"). Your request would then progress to a demand ("Sweetheart, I'm not asking, I'm demanding that we talk about this"). The next step would be not allowing certain privileges or belongings (going out, car keys, computer, TV, extra-curricular activities) until there is a discussion. If those restrictions don't force discussion, it's at that time some other intervention would need to take place.
The purpose of the discussion is to find our more information. Don't try to hear the information, determine the consequences, and set the strategy to work through things all in the same meeting. That would be way too much information for any teen or parent to assimilate.
I always ask to meet with a child in a restaurant setting that I think is struggling. This allows the social setting to set some boundaries that I may not have at home and it is neutral territory.
Feelings that your child is having will pass when his/her thinking changes.
Love based on feelings begins in the 7 th grade and probably needs to remain there. If you are a youth worker or parent reading this, I would encourage you, if you haven't already, to learn how to love when feelings of love are not being returned….to love in a way that doesn't stop if they don't respond…and to love with a love that is ready to fight for the child in your care, even when they don't want you to.
Questions People Ask about Cutting
I hope these comments help with the understanding of self harm, and in particular, cutting. Inevitably, I get asked questions about cutting at our Dealing With Struggling Teens Seminars all the time, so I want to put a few of these questions here, to hopefully answer some that you might have after reading this booklet. I won't quote any research to back up what I think….my comments are based on observations that I have seen and lived with (yet I think most research would agree with my observations). Here are the questions.
Does cutting lead to suicide?
Not usually. Most cutters don't intend to commit suicide. However, I'm sure there are some people that have committed suicide that have been cutters. And, I'm sure that there are those who have died as a result of a "botched cutting". In other words, they inadvertently cut something they didn't intend to cut, and they paid the price of their mistake.
Do you believe that cutting is an addiction?
Can be…just as any behavior has the capability of being addictive. And not just the negative behaviors. Sex, drugs, running, work, eating, music…anything can be addictive. The question I always ask of anyone who has any type of addiction is "Is it working for you?". Remember, it's what's behind the behavior. What is behind the an individual's behavior?
Do you believe that a teen is usually depressed when they begin cutting?
Yes. It's why I think that some type of anti-depressant is important in the treatment of cutters. Usually cutters have tried other things to relieve the tension, to refocus the pain, and to punish them. Those didn't work so they've resorted to cutting. My question to cutters has been similar to the one question above, "If cutting is working for you, then why are you still in the same state that you're in?"….in other words, "If cutting is so good, why are you doing so bad?".
Why do teens who are struggling turn to cutting?
It's an available option, they're driven for some reason, and they're getting something out of it.
Is cutting a cry for help, or just the next step before suicide?
It's a cry. I don't think, in most cases, it's just a "next step" before suicide.
Do you think that there is a point where a person outgrows the cutting stage of their life?
Yes. As one begins to develop healthier ways to cope with this thing called life, they learn to give up what most would call an ugly and shameful habit of cutting. I haven't met a cutter yet who really, I mean really, wants to be a cutter.
Do you believe that teens need to be on medication to cure depression and cutting?
While answered above, I would further my comments to say that for years I was one who thought that a dependency on medication for emotional issues was a reflection of a lack of faith in God or an inadequacy of a dependence on Him. I used to think that medication was for those that were mentally ill. What I've learned through experience, observation, and perhaps age, is that medication helps promote and supports God's hand in healing, and that movement into mental illness is an easier process than one might think. To not use every resource available to battle depression, anxiety, or other emotional issues, is, to me, a denial of God's resources to over come. As I stated earlier, issues usually never stand alone, and treatment of those, is usually not limited to just "one" particular type of treatment.
Do you think it possible for one to want to cut but control themselves not to do it?
Yes. The tendency that we all have is to go back to old habits to resolve or overcome issues. Most people think that the breaking of an addiction means that they'll never have a desire to ever want to do that "act" again. I think quite otherwise. Simply put, I believe that the addict (no matter what they're addicted to) will always have that desire to "re-enter"…they just know where it's going to take them, and they've learned that they don't want to go there any more.
What are the warning signs of a teen that might be thinking about suicide?
While not an exhaustive list, the warning signs might include, drug use to rid their head of thoughts that they're having, irregular sleep habits, dark thoughts and comments, a mopey, and depressed mood accentuated by quietness and withdrawal, notes or journaling (even blogging) of thoughts which is sometimes an attempt to "get it out my head". The signs might also include a change in dress (one usually dresses as they feel), anger outbursts, a futility displayed in their comments, isolation from people, lack of appetite, lack of desire, a dark cloud of non-response, and a never ending jumble of thoughts that "just won't quit". These are just a few.
Usually when people hear of others who have committed suicide, I hear a similarity in their comments….."Well, he was always kind of depressed", or, "You know, she was doing things a little different", or, "Quite honestly, it doesn't surprise me."….all comments that show that there was a "change". Look for any change of habit, of talk, of dress, eating,…and don't think that no one you know ever will. Everyone is somebody's somebody.
Are teens more likely to commit suicide if they are cutters?
No.
What do you think is the number one factor for teens when they decide to kill themselves?
Sadly, it is hopelessness. And it convicts me over and over that God has called me to bring hope, not judgment nor condemnation to the lives of others. He's called me to give people a taste of Him, not His judgment. He is the vinedresser, not me. He separates the sheep from the goats…He's the shepherd. He hasn't called me to play God in the lives of people….He's called me to love and give a sense of hope amidst the confusion. The world tells me that peace is the absence of conflict….Scripture tells me that peace is the presence of hope amidst the conflict. Hope is usually affirmed through relationships, not judgment.
Do you think that teens who cut want to die?
I think some do and they're crying for help. I think others are just trying to make it and show they're desperateness by displaying the lengths they're willing to go to relieve a burden that they wish they didn't have to carry.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Mark, Thank you for a very informatively eye opening article. I don't know the statistics of cutters but so much is happening today that I have never heard about while I was growing up -- God help the kids and God bless you!Please log in to respond to this comment.
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